Satire > The Betoota Advocate >

Micro-Dosing Hypothermia: Feeling Good After Ice Bath Just Body’s Relief To Not Be In A Fucken Ice Bath

Micro-Dosing Hypothermia: Feeling Good After Ice Bath Just Body’s Relief To Not Be In A Fucken Ice Bath

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactBIT OF BONDI MASOCHISM: In some interesting news from the science department at The Betoota Polytechnic University, It can be confirmed that the elevated mood many people report feeling after getting out of an ice bath is simply the body being relieved it’s no longer submerged in ice! Speaking
Katter Says He’s Not Opposed To This Nuclear Reactor Plan So Long As It Remains Nationalised And We Get Some Bang For Our Buck But No Doubt Dutton And His Merry Gang Of Meatheads Will Instantly Offload These Reactors To Clive Palmer Or The Rineharts Or To Some Other Underwhelming Aristocratic Family With Their Names Plastered Across The Children’s Hospitals And There Won’t Be Any Shame In This Whoring Of Our National Assets Either Let Me Tell You That For Free They’ll Privatise The Bastards The Moment The Ribbon’s Been Cut Really It Just Reminds Me Of The Old Totalisator Agency Board Which You Lot Might Remember As The TAB See It Was Originally A State-Owned Off-Course Bookmaker That Only Offered Bets On A Few Different Race Tracks Around The Country But Eventually It Started Allowing Wagers On Everything From Football Matches To Federal Elections And What Have You Anyway Here We Are As The Only Democracy In The World With Legalised Gambling Outside Of Atlantic City And Las Vegas But What’s Even Better Is The Money Goes Straight Back To The States I Mean It’s The Kind Of Asset That You’d Only Privatise If Your Head Was Full Of Rocks Or You Were A Mouth-Breathing Liberal Whose Mission Operandi Is To Get Your Mates Rich And Handcuff The Voters Into Keeping Them Rich Because Wow What A Surprise The Moment Sports Betting Went Online The Government Decides To Flog It All Off To The Private Sector While Also Opening Up The Market To Cowboy Competitors Who Have Horribly Damaged The Reward Systems In The Average Punter’s Brain With These Flashy Ads In Between Every Horse Race And Every Break Of Play In The Footy I Mean It’s Even Compromised Those Dating Shows You Should See The Sheilas In My Office Pulling Up SportsBet To Lay Money On Which Little Botox Angel They Reckon Is Gonna End Up Marrying The Neckless Hunk Handing Out Roses So Now We’ve Got No Bricks-And-Mortar TAB On The Main Street Anymore Which Mind You Was A Far Healthier Brand Of Punting Because It Was Out In The Open For Everyone From The In-Laws To Local Priest To See And We’ve Got 40 Different Apps Pinging Odds And Bonuses Directly Into Our Hip Pocket Which Isn’t Really Good For The Human Spirit And Worst Of All The Taxpayer Gets Bugger All Out Of This Arrangement Because The Money Completely Bypasses Our Government And Gets Spent Buying Some Bloated Billionaire A Mega-Yacht And That’s The All She Wrote Except For A Handful Of Loose Change That Avoid Being Washed Through Offshore Bank Accounts And Instead Gets Spent Domestically On Political Donations And The Salaries Of Canberra Lobbyists Who Schmooze Our Elected Officials Into Removing Even More Of The Barriers Preventing Some Halfwit From Betting His Family Home On The Dubai Trots At 3 AM While His Pregnant Missus Snores Next To Him None The Wiser I Mean For Christ’s Sake It’s Turned Into A Bloody Humanitarian Crisis And It’s Not Even One That The Average Australian Sees Any Benefit From There’s No Main Roads Getting Sealed Or Veterans Getting Housed Off The Back Of This Predatory Assault On The Working Man It’s Just An Untaxed Misery And The Possibility Of This Circlejerk Being Repeated With A Commonwealth-Owned Nuclear Power Grid Is My Greatest Concern When It Comes To Peter Dutton’s Brainfart Of An Energy Policy

Katter Says He’s Not Opposed To This Nuclear Reactor Plan So Long As It Remains Nationalised And We Get Some Bang For Our Buck But No Doubt Dutton And His Merry Gang Of Meatheads Will Instantly Offload These Reactors To Clive Palmer Or The Rineharts Or To Some Other Underwhelming Aristocratic Family With Their Names Plastered Across The Children’s Hospitals And There Won’t Be Any Shame In This Whoring Of Our National Assets Either Let Me Tell You That For Free They’ll Privatise The Bastards The Moment The Ribbon’s Been Cut Really It Just Reminds Me Of The Old Totalisator Agency Board Which You Lot Might Remember As The TAB See It Was Originally A State-Owned Off-Course Bookmaker That Only Offered Bets On A Few Different Race Tracks Around The Country But Eventually It Started Allowing Wagers On Everything From Football Matches To Federal Elections And What Have You Anyway Here We Are As The Only Democracy In The World With Legalised Gambling Outside Of Atlantic City And Las Vegas But What’s Even Better Is The Money Goes Straight Back To The States I Mean It’s The Kind Of Asset That You’d Only Privatise If Your Head Was Full Of Rocks Or You Were A Mouth-Breathing Liberal Whose Mission Operandi Is To Get Your Mates Rich And Handcuff The Voters Into Keeping Them Rich Because Wow What A Surprise The Moment Sports Betting Went Online The Government Decides To Flog It All Off To The Private Sector While Also Opening Up The Market To Cowboy Competitors Who Have Horribly Damaged The Reward Systems In The Average Punter’s Brain With These Flashy Ads In Between Every Horse Race And Every Break Of Play In The Footy I Mean It’s Even Compromised Those Dating Shows You Should See The Sheilas In My Office Pulling Up SportsBet To Lay Money On Which Little Botox Angel They Reckon Is Gonna End Up Marrying The Neckless Hunk Handing Out Roses So Now We’ve Got No Bricks-And-Mortar TAB On The Main Street Anymore Which Mind You Was A Far Healthier Brand Of Punting Because It Was Out In The Open For Everyone From The In-Laws To Local Priest To See And We’ve Got 40 Different Apps Pinging Odds And Bonuses Directly Into Our Hip Pocket Which Isn’t Really Good For The Human Spirit And Worst Of All The Taxpayer Gets Bugger All Out Of This Arrangement Because The Money Completely Bypasses Our Government And Gets Spent Buying Some Bloated Billionaire A Mega-Yacht And That’s The All She Wrote Except For A Handful Of Loose Change That Avoid Being Washed Through Offshore Bank Accounts And Instead Gets Spent Domestically On Political Donations And The Salaries Of Canberra Lobbyists Who Schmooze Our Elected Officials Into Removing Even More Of The Barriers Preventing Some Halfwit From Betting His Family Home On The Dubai Trots At 3 AM While His Pregnant Missus Snores Next To Him None The Wiser I Mean For Christ’s Sake It’s Turned Into A Bloody Humanitarian Crisis And It’s Not Even One That The Average Australian Sees Any Benefit From There’s No Main Roads Getting Sealed Or Veterans Getting Housed Off The Back Of This Predatory Assault On The Working Man It’s Just An Untaxed Misery And The Possibility Of This Circlejerk Being Repeated With A Commonwealth-Owned Nuclear Power Grid Is My Greatest Concern When It Comes To Peter Dutton’s Brainfart Of An Energy Policy

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Federal Opposition leader Peter Dutton has today unveiled his long-awaited Nuclear Power plan that nobody really asked for. The Coalition will pledge to build two nuclear plants between 2035 and 2037, with seven proposed location sites across five states to be completed by the 2050s. The details of
NYPD Says Timberlake Handed Himself Over Willingly: “It Feels Like Somethins Heatin Up, Can I Leave Wit Chu”

NYPD Says Timberlake Handed Himself Over Willingly: “It Feels Like Somethins Heatin Up, Can I Leave Wit Chu”

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The New York Police Department can confirm that pop superstar Justin Timberlake showed little resistance when arrested for drink driving in Long Island last night. The 10-time Grammy winner was taken into custody at midnight in the wealthy Hamptons enclave of Sag Harbor. The pop star claimed to
CSIRO Release Images Of What Hunter Valley Wine Will Look Like If Dutton’s Nuclear Plan Goes Ahead

CSIRO Release Images Of What Hunter Valley Wine Will Look Like If Dutton’s Nuclear Plan Goes Ahead

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactCSIRO has today released images of what Hunter Valley wine will look like in ten years should Peter Dutton become Prime Minister, sending shockwaves amongst middle class women and retirees across the nation.  During an impromptu Coalition party room meeting on Wednesday, Peter Dutton revealed plans to build nuclear
Dutton rolls out nuke ad blitz

Dutton rolls out nuke ad blitz

ADVERTISING NEWS: The federal Liberal-National opposition parties have launched the first shots in a massive advertising campaign they believe will help “sell” Australian voters on their nuclear power policy. A front-page advertorial in today’s News Crap Australia national broadshit The Australian (below) was published as Opposition Leader Peter Dutton was
Fagan taking rear-guard action?

Fagan taking rear-guard action?

The bitter, washed-up, hacks who compile this column are wondering whether we need a new MGH monthly or indeed annual mainstream mediocre award, namely best example of a right-wing columnist protecting their scrawny arse just in case! They figure a likely contender would be regular InQueensland right-wing columnist David Fagan
NACC still being naccered!

NACC still being naccered!

The recent horrendous home goal by the National Anti-Corruption Commission – the senseless trashing of its brand by refusing to take any further action over Robodebt – continues to feature widely in material dumped into The Bug‘s smelly Xcrements-of-the-Week barrel. And why not? In this second tranche of our selected
Have you seen this man?

Have you seen this man?

For some time now our Media Glass House researchers have been posing themselves the question: Why do news organisations persist with court room sketch artists? A few weeks back our MGH teams played a game among themselves by reviewing online news stories from the US to see who could guess

Micro-Dosing Hypothermia: Feeling Good After Ice Bath Just Body’s Relief To Not Be In A Fucken Ice Bath

Micro-Dosing Hypothermia: Feeling Good After Ice Bath Just Body’s Relief To Not Be In A Fucken Ice Bath
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactBIT OF BONDI MASOCHISM: In some interesting news from the science department at The Betoota Polytechnic University, It can be confirmed that the elevated mood many people report feeling after getting out of an ice bath is simply the body being relieved it’s no longer submerged in ice! Speaking

Katter Says He’s Not Opposed To This Nuclear Reactor Plan So Long As It Remains Nationalised And We Get Some Bang For Our Buck But No Doubt Dutton And His Merry Gang Of Meatheads Will Instantly Offload These Reactors To Clive Palmer Or The Rineharts Or To Some Other Underwhelming Aristocratic Family With Their Names Plastered Across The Children’s Hospitals And There Won’t Be Any Shame In This Whoring Of Our National Assets Either Let Me Tell You That For Free They’ll Privatise The Bastards The Moment The Ribbon’s Been Cut Really It Just Reminds Me Of The Old Totalisator Agency Board Which You Lot Might Remember As The TAB See It Was Originally A State-Owned Off-Course Bookmaker That Only Offered Bets On A Few Different Race Tracks Around The Country But Eventually It Started Allowing Wagers On Everything From Football Matches To Federal Elections And What Have You Anyway Here We Are As The Only Democracy In The World With Legalised Gambling Outside Of Atlantic City And Las Vegas But What’s Even Better Is The Money Goes Straight Back To The States I Mean It’s The Kind Of Asset That You’d Only Privatise If Your Head Was Full Of Rocks Or You Were A Mouth-Breathing Liberal Whose Mission Operandi Is To Get Your Mates Rich And Handcuff The Voters Into Keeping Them Rich Because Wow What A Surprise The Moment Sports Betting Went Online The Government Decides To Flog It All Off To The Private Sector While Also Opening Up The Market To Cowboy Competitors Who Have Horribly Damaged The Reward Systems In The Average Punter’s Brain With These Flashy Ads In Between Every Horse Race And Every Break Of Play In The Footy I Mean It’s Even Compromised Those Dating Shows You Should See The Sheilas In My Office Pulling Up SportsBet To Lay Money On Which Little Botox Angel They Reckon Is Gonna End Up Marrying The Neckless Hunk Handing Out Roses So Now We’ve Got No Bricks-And-Mortar TAB On The Main Street Anymore Which Mind You Was A Far Healthier Brand Of Punting Because It Was Out In The Open For Everyone From The In-Laws To Local Priest To See And We’ve Got 40 Different Apps Pinging Odds And Bonuses Directly Into Our Hip Pocket Which Isn’t Really Good For The Human Spirit And Worst Of All The Taxpayer Gets Bugger All Out Of This Arrangement Because The Money Completely Bypasses Our Government And Gets Spent Buying Some Bloated Billionaire A Mega-Yacht And That’s The All She Wrote Except For A Handful Of Loose Change That Avoid Being Washed Through Offshore Bank Accounts And Instead Gets Spent Domestically On Political Donations And The Salaries Of Canberra Lobbyists Who Schmooze Our Elected Officials Into Removing Even More Of The Barriers Preventing Some Halfwit From Betting His Family Home On The Dubai Trots At 3 AM While His Pregnant Missus Snores Next To Him None The Wiser I Mean For Christ’s Sake It’s Turned Into A Bloody Humanitarian Crisis And It’s Not Even One That The Average Australian Sees Any Benefit From There’s No Main Roads Getting Sealed Or Veterans Getting Housed Off The Back Of This Predatory Assault On The Working Man It’s Just An Untaxed Misery And The Possibility Of This Circlejerk Being Repeated With A Commonwealth-Owned Nuclear Power Grid Is My Greatest Concern When It Comes To Peter Dutton’s Brainfart Of An Energy Policy

Katter Says He’s Not Opposed To This Nuclear Reactor Plan So Long As It Remains Nationalised And We Get Some Bang For Our Buck But No Doubt Dutton And His Merry Gang Of Meatheads Will Instantly Offload These Reactors To Clive Palmer Or The Rineharts Or To Some Other Underwhelming Aristocratic Family With Their Names Plastered Across The Children’s Hospitals And There Won’t Be Any Shame In This Whoring Of Our National Assets Either Let Me Tell You That For Free They’ll Privatise The Bastards The Moment The Ribbon’s Been Cut Really It Just Reminds Me Of The Old Totalisator Agency Board Which You Lot Might Remember As The TAB See It Was Originally A State-Owned Off-Course Bookmaker That Only Offered Bets On A Few Different Race Tracks Around The Country But Eventually It Started Allowing Wagers On Everything From Football Matches To Federal Elections And What Have You Anyway Here We Are As The Only Democracy In The World With Legalised Gambling Outside Of Atlantic City And Las Vegas But What’s Even Better Is The Money Goes Straight Back To The States I Mean It’s The Kind Of Asset That You’d Only Privatise If Your Head Was Full Of Rocks Or You Were A Mouth-Breathing Liberal Whose Mission Operandi Is To Get Your Mates Rich And Handcuff The Voters Into Keeping Them Rich Because Wow What A Surprise The Moment Sports Betting Went Online The Government Decides To Flog It All Off To The Private Sector While Also Opening Up The Market To Cowboy Competitors Who Have Horribly Damaged The Reward Systems In The Average Punter’s Brain With These Flashy Ads In Between Every Horse Race And Every Break Of Play In The Footy I Mean It’s Even Compromised Those Dating Shows You Should See The Sheilas In My Office Pulling Up SportsBet To Lay Money On Which Little Botox Angel They Reckon Is Gonna End Up Marrying The Neckless Hunk Handing Out Roses So Now We’ve Got No Bricks-And-Mortar TAB On The Main Street Anymore Which Mind You Was A Far Healthier Brand Of Punting Because It Was Out In The Open For Everyone From The In-Laws To Local Priest To See And We’ve Got 40 Different Apps Pinging Odds And Bonuses Directly Into Our Hip Pocket Which Isn’t Really Good For The Human Spirit And Worst Of All The Taxpayer Gets Bugger All Out Of This Arrangement Because The Money Completely Bypasses Our Government And Gets Spent Buying Some Bloated Billionaire A Mega-Yacht And That’s The All She Wrote Except For A Handful Of Loose Change That Avoid Being Washed Through Offshore Bank Accounts And Instead Gets Spent Domestically On Political Donations And The Salaries Of Canberra Lobbyists Who Schmooze Our Elected Officials Into Removing Even More Of The Barriers Preventing Some Halfwit From Betting His Family Home On The Dubai Trots At 3 AM While His Pregnant Missus Snores Next To Him None The Wiser I Mean For Christ’s Sake It’s Turned Into A Bloody Humanitarian Crisis And It’s Not Even One That The Average Australian Sees Any Benefit From There’s No Main Roads Getting Sealed Or Veterans Getting Housed Off The Back Of This Predatory Assault On The Working Man It’s Just An Untaxed Misery And The Possibility Of This Circlejerk Being Repeated With A Commonwealth-Owned Nuclear Power Grid Is My Greatest Concern When It Comes To Peter Dutton’s Brainfart Of An Energy Policy
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Federal Opposition leader Peter Dutton has today unveiled his long-awaited Nuclear Power plan that nobody really asked for. The Coalition will pledge to build two nuclear plants between 2035 and 2037, with seven proposed location sites across five states to be completed by the 2050s. The details of

NYPD Says Timberlake Handed Himself Over Willingly: “It Feels Like Somethins Heatin Up, Can I Leave Wit Chu”

NYPD Says Timberlake Handed Himself Over Willingly: “It Feels Like Somethins Heatin Up, Can I Leave Wit Chu”
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The New York Police Department can confirm that pop superstar Justin Timberlake showed little resistance when arrested for drink driving in Long Island last night. The 10-time Grammy winner was taken into custody at midnight in the wealthy Hamptons enclave of Sag Harbor. The pop star claimed to

CSIRO Release Images Of What Hunter Valley Wine Will Look Like If Dutton’s Nuclear Plan Goes Ahead

CSIRO Release Images Of What Hunter Valley Wine Will Look Like If Dutton’s Nuclear Plan Goes Ahead
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactCSIRO has today released images of what Hunter Valley wine will look like in ten years should Peter Dutton become Prime Minister, sending shockwaves amongst middle class women and retirees across the nation.  During an impromptu Coalition party room meeting on Wednesday, Peter Dutton revealed plans to build nuclear

Dutton rolls out nuke ad blitz

Dutton rolls out nuke ad blitz
ADVERTISING NEWS: The federal Liberal-National opposition parties have launched the first shots in a massive advertising campaign they believe will help “sell” Australian voters on their nuclear power policy. A front-page advertorial in today’s News Crap Australia national broadshit The Australian (below) was published as Opposition Leader Peter Dutton was

Fagan taking rear-guard action?

Fagan taking rear-guard action?
The bitter, washed-up, hacks who compile this column are wondering whether we need a new MGH monthly or indeed annual mainstream mediocre award, namely best example of a right-wing columnist protecting their scrawny arse just in case! They figure a likely contender would be regular InQueensland right-wing columnist David Fagan

NACC still being naccered!

NACC still being naccered!
The recent horrendous home goal by the National Anti-Corruption Commission – the senseless trashing of its brand by refusing to take any further action over Robodebt – continues to feature widely in material dumped into The Bug‘s smelly Xcrements-of-the-Week barrel. And why not? In this second tranche of our selected

Have you seen this man?

Have you seen this man?
For some time now our Media Glass House researchers have been posing themselves the question: Why do news organisations persist with court room sketch artists? A few weeks back our MGH teams played a game among themselves by reviewing online news stories from the US to see who could guess